The UPS Man Came

Yesterday evening the UPS man came a knockin'. Those in my immediate family know my feelings about UPS men. I love them. I mean I looooove them. I have never pinpointed the reasons for my deep admiration, but it exists. Deeply. I shared my sentiment with my mother-in-law a few years back (it's great to have a mother-in-law with whom you can share these intimate feelings) and she immediately thought of me when she heard this poem recited on National Public Radio.

Why I Have A Crush On You, UPS Man

you bring me all the things I order

are never in a bad mood

always have a jaunty wave as you drive away

look good in your brown shorts

we have an ideal uncomplicated relationship

you're like a cute boyfriend with great legs

who always brings the perfect present

(why, it's just what I've always wanted!)

and then is considerate enough to go away

oh, UPS Man, let's hop in your clean brown truck and elope !

ditch your job, I'll ditch mine

let's hit the road for Brownsville

and tempt each other

with all the luscious brown foods —roast beef, dark chocolate,

brownies, Guinness, homemade pumpernickel, molasses cookies

I'll make you my mama's bourbon pecan pie

we'll give all the packages to kind looking strangers

live in a cozy wood cabin

with a brown dog or two

and a black and brown tabby

I'm serious, UPS Man.

Let's do it.

Where do I sign?

by Alice N. Persons, from Don't Be A Stranger

I think I could have written this poem myself. As a matter of fact, around 5:00pm each day when I am trying to pull together dinner and the kids are at their worst (exactly the time on which Brown is on my street, honking his horn at all the ladies), I think I could hit the road to Brownsville and start on my dark chocolate and Guinness diet.

I wondered if I was the only one who felt this way and sent out an email to a few friends and family members (no names mentioned, but I am sure you don't know any of them). Here are a few comments I received back.

Note: Some names and minor details have been omitted to protect the guilty.

~ "I do love him too, great legs, cute little shorts, usually sexy sunglasses and he brings you presents. Oh, if only he would clean my bathroom too."

~ "I do have to say that I have watched a few UPS men walk away....only if they were younger though because I am not really attracted to the 50 year old ones :) Its the whole man in uniform thing...you cant resist."

~ "Funny you should bring this up...there was a really bad thunderstorm the other day and I looked out my window and the UPS man was sitting in his truck in the middle of the cul-de-sac. I ran downstairs (so excited b/c i knew he had something wonderful for me) and begged through the window for him to bring it. It was storming so bad he couldn't get out of his truck. I about drove _________ crazy debating whether I should run out with an umbrella and invite him to come inside to safe haven. I sat and watched the cute man in brown the entire length of the storm to make sure nothing happened to him. ( __________ said I was stupid and he wouldn't come inside). As soon as the storm subsided enough for him to deliver out of danger, the heroic man ran through the rain to bring a smile to my face and hand me my package. =) Anyway, the answer is yes, I've always given a little flirty eye to the UPS man."

~ "Well of course I love him, who wouldn’t? I LOVE all the gifts he brings. Somehow, he always knows exactly what I am wanting!!!"

~ "In the past I have experienced many the crushes on men in uniform, especially those wearing short pants. The first uniform crush was on a Coca-Cola delivery man; I was really into drinking Coke Classic back in those days. I had fantasies of my hot Coke man muscles bulging as he carried me cases of my favorite beverage.
When I got a little older, old enough to have a credit card and place an order, my sights did change. I have to admit I can’t resist checking out the men in brown. My roving eyes don’t stop there. I now have a Schwan’s delivery man. For those of you who are not familiar with this species let me explain. He visits me every two weeks driving a refrigerated truck. I can order all kinds of food but I usually go for things like ice-cream and the occasional peach pie. I have to admit, I enjoy seeing him in the hot summer months. He wears shorts and a smile and has the kind of man legs that I like. Not too big and not too small…just right!"

~ "The dog enjoys the excitement of the truck, the doorbell and the possible attack. Maybe that’s what you guys enjoy too, like the dog, the possibilities, I am sure the dog just imagines, I don’t think he would ever go through with it……or would he…would you?
I like the package… once unwrapped it is usually not as exciting as imagined…packaging is a wonderful thing. What can brown do for you?"

So maybe it is just the possibilities I imagine being so wonderful, but yesterday when the doorbell rang and the UPS man stood there with nothing in his hands, no brown box, no incoming catalog orders, no e-bay wins, I thought that just maybe...just possibly...brown was here to find out what I could do for him?

With baby on my hip I opened the door. Seeing his empty arms, and sharing a moment of awkwardness between us, I tell you with all honesty -- I had a severe heat flash. My face turned red and I stuttered. Had he some how learned of my secret crush and came to make good on it? Had he tapped into my email in-box and read all of the confessions? Oh Lord. What am I going to do?

You probably will not believe this upon first reading, but my initial inclination was correct: Brown was at my door wanting to know what I could do for him! Yes, it is true.

At first there was awkward small talk. How are you? How is your son? And your wife? This made me particularly uncomfortable because it just wasn't natural. Please, just cut to the chase. Pat will be home in minutes and the dinner is burning. Then he delivered his true desire for me. I could tell it made him a little uncomfortable to be so forward. But like the respectable man in uniform I dreamed he was, he stepped up to the plate, swallowed the lump in his throat and asked me. Unable to hold back his true desires any longer, he cleared his throat and blurted it out, "Do you think my son could get a job at the restaurant this summer?"

There it was. The moment I had been waiting for all my adult life. I was finally going to be able to help a former student get a job. This is what teachers live for. Oh, that's right, I forgot to mention that I taught the UPS man's son 7 years ago. I guess I should also mention that the UPS man went to high school with Gus. Small world.

So I will go on living with my little crush unrequited. And with such a close call on my doorstep last evening, I can say with great certainty that I am like the afore mentioned dog: I enjoy the excitement, the doorbell and the thought of possible attack, but the package is better left unopened because once unwrapped it can never be as good as I imagined it to be.